Is this really about me?

Part 1 in the Limiting Belief Dirty Laundry Series

The first limiting belief that I want to reveal here on Press Release is this—everything is about me.

Okay, you might say, that’s just what humans do; we are by nature egoic, meaning our tendency is to center ourselves in the narrative. We all, all the time, infuse our thoughts with “I”, “me”, and “mine”.

I really need a vacation
Those words are hurtful to me.
That idea was mine.

This is completely natural, and is not the same thing as being egotistical (thinking of yourself more favorably than is warranted), or egocentrism (seeing things from your point-of-view), though obviously there is some overlap in these terms and their definitions. But there need not be a value judgement placed on the fact that we think about ourselves, and think in terms of ourselves. Constantly. All the time (with a few exceptions, like when we are engrossed in a good book, or in the “flow”, that state of engagement in a task where you lose track of time, and space, and self).

So, if we are naturally egoic, why is “everything is about me” a limiting belief? And do we really stand any chance of changing that belief or evolving beyond it?

I think we do. In my life, “everything is about me” turns into “if it feels personal, it is personal.” And that’s the belief that I can actively be on the look out for and try to re-write. For example...

I was recently describing to my therapist a series of events that had me convinced people perceive me as inadequate at my job. In short, three different people, over the span of a week, had shared with me their thoughts about some of the areas that butt-up-against or overlap with my job description.

“I think we could be doing more in the area of XYZ.”  (Which I heard as “You’re not doing enough in the area of XYZ.”)

“I have an idea about how we could bring together A and B into a new position that is lateral to yours.”  (Which I heard as “You don’t have the credentials for A and B, but I do, and I will be one door down from you, and that won’t be my last stop, and soon you’ll be reporting to me.”)

“I would love to work with you on that project you are developing. Are you familiar with the way this organization is doing this kind of work?”  (Which I heard as, I don’t trust you to do this project on your own. You don’t have enough experience or the right expertise to do this well enough. I’m going to involve myself so that this isn’t a disaster.”)

To be honest, even just one of those comments would have been enough for me to feel threatened. But three in one week sent me into “everyone is talking to each other about how bad I am at my job” overdrive. Ugh.

Thank god for therapists, and the perspective they provide—mine gently said, “I don’t think any of those things are about you.”

“But, but, but,” I stuttered, “they feel like they are about me. They feel personal.”

“Something can affect you, and still not be about you,” she said.

And she is exactly right. I was very much at the affect of these three separate comments—they had threatened my need for approval, my need to be highly regarded by my peers. They had threatened my security, specifically my job security. And they had threatened my desire for control, my desire to be the one calling the shots. In short, I was scared.

But instead of sitting with that feeling of being scared, letting the sensations of fear move through me before deciding what it all meant, I skipped right over the feeling part and went straight to making meaning out of these events, while still in a state of threat and fear. And from that space, it was all too easy to determine “the sum of these three things is that everyone thinks I’m bad at my job.” If I had had the awareness to notice the sensations of fear and to let myself feel it through to its end (to let it “run its course”), I might have then been able to say, “yes, this feels personal, but is it? Do I have all the evidence I need to really make that determination? Are there other explanations that are equally possible? What is the opposite of that self-centered determination, and is that also a reasonable explanation for these events?”

Watch what happens (cognitively) when I let the fear subside, and remind myself that not everything that affects me is about me:

“I think we could be doing more in the area of XYZ.” From a place of threat this feels like she doesn’t think I’m doing enough. But from a place of trust and curiosity, she’s identified a gap or a need and trusts me as someone to whom she can bring that information. She probably also wants to be involved in addressing that gap because she also wants to be of service to her colleagues. From this space, I can almost hear myself say: “I’d love to hear more about what you think we might be able to do, given the limited resources that we have. I’ve been flummoxed by this, and could really use another perspective and a good brainstorm session.”

“I have an idea for a new position that would bring together A and B into a new position that is lateral to yours.” From a place of threat, he’s my competition, he’s the person I have to watch out for and make sure I always stay one step ahead. But from a place of trust, of course he’s looking out for himself, but that has nothing to do with me. I am not his target, and the smarter strategic move is to make this really brilliant colleague of mine an ally, rather than create an unnecessary zero sum game. I can almost hear myself say “I would love to see you in the office next door to mine, and to have another leader on our team to share the load. I also have some information about A and B that might be useful to you.”

“I would love to work with you on that project you are developing. Are you familiar with the way this organization is doing this kind of work?”  From a place of threat, he doesn’t think I can do it on my own; he doesn’t trust that I will do it well. He's testing to make sure I have the requisite knowledge. But from a place of not taking everything so damn personally, he wants to collaborate with me! He’s excited about the project, and has ideas and resources that could be really helpful. I can almost hear myself saying, “Oh thank god. I have an inspiring but ambitious vision for this project, and I’d love to share it with you and enlist your support.”

You will inevitably react emotionally to the events of your life. That is not something you can change. But you can change what happens next—your reaction to the feelings, and the thoughts that you generate based on the beliefs that you hold as they relate to these events.

So the question is this—assuming you are able to sit with your feelings until they are "all feeled out", which is the more helpful belief system to engage as you work through the events of your life—"if it feels personal, it is personal," or "this is affecting me, but that doesn’t mean it’s about me." One of those beliefs exacerbates the state of threat, the other moves you into a state of trust. One of those beliefs creates anxiety, and the other creates curiosity. One of those beliefs alienates you from others, and the other connects you to others. The results you are getting in your life are directly connected to the beliefs that you choose to hold on to.  It might be time to get a little choosier about those choices.