Values (Re)Clarification

Here’s a question that comes up a lot in my workshops and coaching—can our core values change? It’s an interesting question to me—on the one hand, the meaning of core values seems to imply some kind of innateness, or at the very least, written into your DNA during the formative years of your life. But on the other hand, human beings evolve and grow and self-actualize, and we might expect that our core values evolve with us. So, when this question comes up, I usually say that yes, your values can change over time, and that life changing events can absolutely bring new awareness and orientation. But most of the time, our values are so central to who we are, that big changes are unlikely. What I think is more likely, is that as our self-awareness grows and becomes more nuanced, so does the language that we use to express who we are, and what we value (especially as we become more and more clear about that fuzzy line between who we are and who we feel like we should be.)

Let’s take an example from my own journey with values clarification. When I first articulated my core values, “humility” was one of the top five. At that time, I believe I was attempting to articulate that I really do not thrive in competitive spaces, spaces where “winning at all costs,” is the goal, or where one person’s success depends on everyone else’s failure. As someone with strong empathetic tendencies, I have a lot of open-hearted curiosity about others and their lived experience, and competitive spaces leave little room to be genuinely interested in others. I also really admire humility in leadership—I want to be the kind of leader that gives an abundance of credit to the team and recognizes the unique contribution of each individual. For these reasons, humility seemed to be one of my core values.

In retrospect, there was another reason that humility jumped off the page of values words—I have a bad habit of self-deprecation and of shrugging off compliments. I’ll say more about why this is a bad habit in a minute, but at the time that I was first becoming familiar with values clarification, “humility” seemed to explain this behavior, and so I counted it as further evidence that it was a core value of mine.

But as I began to teach about values, to read more deeply on the topic, and began to see through a values lens, humility as a core value became more and more problematic for me.

First, while my other values pointed me toward a clear vision of who I want to be (i.e. my most authentic self), “humility” seemed to bring up more of a picture of who I did not want to be, or, even more accurately, of who I did not want to be around—people who are pompous, overbearing, and power-hungry. I also realized that the image of this “person I did not want to be” is a caricature—a cartoon version of a villain. While I know and love lots of high-achievers, and lots of people who have a competitive nature, I don’t actually know any villains. Again, in retrospect, I think this feeling that humility was a core value stemmed more from a frustration with systems that reward the top dog, a kind of unrestrained free market ideology that perpetuates unearned privilege and consolidates wealth by deepening inequality. Declaring “humility” as a core value was my (introverted) way of standing against the status quo.

Second, humility can actually be pretty problematic for female leaders. As I mentioned above, I have a bad habit of self-deprecation. But my humble-pie act isn't innate; it's a learned behavior. It is a strategy that I have subconsciously adopted because it helps me fit in and avoid the discomfort of acting against the gendered norm that women should be meek, passive, and unassuming. Unfortunately, it also keeps me from distinguishing myself as a visionary, innovative, and decisive leader. When someone praises me for an idea I had, and I defer and pass that credit on to someone else, I don’t look like I am leading with humility, I look like I don’t believe in my own ability to make meaningful contributions. I look like someone who is governed by self-doubt.

As my self awareness grew, and as my understanding of the ways that humility is gendered came into focus, I became more and more uncomfortable with centering around humility as a value. It just didn’t feel resonant or helpful. And at the same time, I was discovering that I’m really drawn to people who’ve done some personal development work, who aren’t trying to hide who they are, and who are brave enough to be vulnerable. And I realized that, if given the choice, I would stay away from spaces that had a lot of pretense, a lot of formal behaviors meant to mask anything messy or unsightly. And from that knowledge, and the felt sense of those spaces, arose a new word—authenticity. I felt like I heard a choir of angels sing when I stumbled upon this realization, or like a Tibetan singing bowl inside my chest found it’s clarion call. It was that visceral.

So, yes, your core values can change. I now list “authenticity” instead of “humility”, and the values lens I see through has shifted too. With authenticity at the helm I ask questions like, “how can I be authentic in this work?” and “how can I create a learning environment that creates the kind of psychological safety that people need in order to be their authentic selves?” I still admire the quality of genuine humility, but I don’t include it as a lens in decision-making or problem-solving. And when some one gives me a compliment, I say put my hand on my heart and say “thank you, that means a lot to me.”