What matters most to you?

Do you know what your values are? This is a safe space, you can tell the truth. I’ll go first. Up until about a year ago I regularly heard people talk about making “values-based decisions” or saying things like “I put a high value on X so this thing that conflicts with X is really troubling me.” Or even, “two of my values are coming into conflict with each other in this situation.” I would nod my head, indicating my deep understanding of their dilemma. And then I would think to myself, What the hell are “values”, and how do people know what their values are? When did they all figure this out, and what the heck was I doing? (answer: I was in rehearsal, building deep empathic abilities, which is both a strength and a value of mine, I just didn’t know I could frame it in those terms).

Of course, I did have values, we all have values, and we often instinctively act in a way that aligns with our values because this creates a sense of harmony in our lives. Taking empathy as an example, spaces and activities that involve empathy feel really good to me. I love stories because I love putting myself in the character’s shoes, seeing things from their perspective. And that has always been true for me. Seen through a values-lens, it’s no wonder I committed the first half of my life to the practices of making theatre. One of the reasons that was so fulfilling to me is because it was an activity that both capitalized on my strengths AND aligned with my values.

Let’s take another example. I also put a very high value on growth (in case that isn’t obvious) and when I can see even the most difficult tasks that I am charged with (think grievance resolution and holding people accountable for policy violations) as opportunities to help people grow and to also catalyze my own growth, I can actually get excited about the challenging nature of those tasks. So even though the challenge brings some level of emotional discomfort, I can see that discomfort as part of the growth, a symptom of being in congruence with my values. And I find that immensely fulfilling.

So how do we figure out what our values are? How do we narrow down a broad range of beliefs and ideas to a set of core values that we can really put our shoulder behind and push?

The most common form of values discernment involves looking at a document that has around 200 values words listed in three single spaced columns. The instructions are to look at the list and circle the words that resonate with you. Then, typically, you are asked to group those words, and to choose one word in each group that feels the most resonant. You should eventually arrive at a list of 5-7 core values. This was how I first encountered values discernment, and it was a good step in the right direction.

But here’s the problem. The exercise is asking you to act on intuition, to “feel” your way to a core set of values. But how many of us can do that without our rational minds and our inner-critics jumping into the mix and making a mess of things? Here’s what usually happens—you have some instincts, and you tentatively follow them (you circle some words on the values list). But then you inner critic/rational mind says “Are you sure about that? What will people think if admitted out loud that those are your values? What about this value over here in this column…you don’t want to be the kind of person that doesn’t value this thing, do you? What kind of a monster doesn’t value this thing over here in this column?” And on and on it goes, until you are a puddle of self-doubt and your instincts have retreated into the safe space of silence.

Values are value-neutral, by which I mean, some values are not morally superior to others. But good luck telling that to your inner-critic/rational mind. We’ve all been “normed” to believe that there are certain values that are better than others, and that we had better get it right, or else. Don’t believe me? Spend one day talking to college students who have planned their lives around the dream of being a doctor, but who don’t actually like studying science. Whether the inner-critic in your mind is your own invention or is an amalgamation of societal norming, we all feel pressured to value the “right” things and often end up adopting someone else’s values and trying to model our lives after the life they built based on their values.

If you really want to figure out what makes you tick, what really matters to you, try this instead. Brainstorm a list of times when you were thriving, when you felt clear, confident, and connected. These thriving experiences might be personal or they might be professional. They might be private (i.e. no one else really knows about them) or they might be public. They might involve accomplishments, but that certainly isn’t a criteria. They don’t have to be experiences that were characteristically easy; thriving can absolutely involve a feeling of being challenged. Most likely, they are the experiences that first came to mind when you read the prompt (those are your instincts kicking in, let’s just go ahead and trust them in this instance).

Once you have a couple of thriving experiences in mind, do some free writing about each one. For five minutes, write without stopping, without censoring, and without distraction. Then go back and look for your values in action. What made these experiences so “thrive-y”? What were you doing because it matters to you, like, a lot? Generate a list of values words, or, if you are struggling to find the exact right word, create some phrases, or some collections of words separated by a slash (i.e. freedom/risk-taking/adventure). Finally, write one sentence for each word or word cluster defining the value in your own words, so that it is specific and authentic to you.

And there you go! You should now have a strong and accurate sense of what really matters to you, and what contributes to your thriving.

Next week on Press Release—so you know what your core values are…what are you gonna do about it?